Come back to me

I'm so sorry for controlling you, for not making you happy too. I'm ready for a change, i'm ready for a leap. But you're not, because you've changed, you've someone better than me, you're happier without me...

Questions.

There are always many questions in Life that nobody would be able to answer. Obviously, I have many questions i would want to ask, but i don't know who i should ask.

Why did Darren go away so soon? He hasn't fulfilled many things. I still look at your photo every night before I sleep. Even when i board a bus i would see your face because there's a photo of you in my card holder whereever i go. Why? Why did you have to go. I really feel that i lost a part of my life. Sometimes, there is just a feeling i would feel, have you really left us?

From time to time, the feeling of you leaving us and the fact that i cannot accept, strucks me. It's horrible, because nobody would be there for me again. Sigh..


Am i really such a bad person? I know i'm quiet, but it's not like i want it to be like this. I know i'm not likeable. Because i know i have a kiam pa bin and i don't talk much. I don't like to mingle with people. I know i'm controlling you, but put yourselves in my shoes. Why don't people ever think for me? And people just expect me to think for them. Why?

Why do people just have to listen to stories and not bother to find out about the fact?
I'm really tired, i don't know if i can still take all of these, i'm sorry.

A part of Life

Dear Darren,

Where are you now?! Its been 2 weeks since you fell asleep and you haven't visited me in my dreams. You want liao is it? Well, school has been mundane without you. In actual fact, my life is rather boring without you brother. I've just done two UT and tomorrow is the third one. Please bless me from up there that I will do well alright? Heehee.

Its really different without you here- imagine how much time we used to spent before you pangseh-ed me. We go to school tgt with Sharm and I, while we wait for you at White Sands. We have a light breakfast at W4 before going to class, we'll meet during the first break for a proper meal, traffic light for a smoke, and we'll chill for an hour or so at our 'zai dui'. Then, we'll plan where to go after school or after you've left Sharmaine's house in the night.

Sometimes, you'll just call me randomly after leaving Sharm's house. You would always call and hurry me saying "Quick come down now i reaching alr". And whenever I took my time, you would call for at least 3 times. Then we would have long chats at my void deck till at least 5am. I remember there was once you came up to my house to check something using my laptop, you played the guitar and we were starving then. You even had to cook maggie mee for me because idk how to. Hahaha. I can still remember all that vividly, remembering how you would always tease me but you took care of me at the same time.

I miss you Darren, when my time is up, I hope i will get to see you again because I would wanna kick your ass and slap the back of your neck so badly. You always say i pangseh you because of girls, now you pangseh me so suddenly and never come back already. Why you like that ah?

Just wanna say, I won't forget you brother. Clement, Yw, Rayson, Ji, Jeff, Shannon, Shawn and I won't ever forget you.

See you this coming 30th.
With ♥,
Darryl

Please bless my brother in Your arms.

Fate really plays with human beings like me, you, everyone else. For example, I met my dear brother, Darren Ng, on the wrong occasion a few years ago. It was also a wrong occasion which made God take him away from us.

I remember very clearly, in 2007, I first met this charming young boy at Loyang Point's Macs. I don't wanna specify how I met him, but I was glad we became friends after. On Christmas day in 2007, one of my close friends had a BBQ at his house, coincidentally I saw Darren there again. Since then, we became good friends from hi-bye friends. But with our busy schedules like the O-levels then, we lost contact.

And then in 2009, I saw this familiar face at RP's orientation. I was ecstatic, was that Darren? To describe Darren in a sentence, it'd be this: He's a very cheerful guy who never fails to stop loving with his heart of gold.

We went to school almost everyday, had lunch, went home together, had fun together at clubs, and merely those lil heart to heart talks at void decks made me feel comfortable. When you first got your license, I remembered, we took 1 hour to reach parkway from woodlands because you had no sense of direction, so did I. You took 2 hours to reach Vivo from pasir ris, it was really hiliarious.

Basically, Darren was the type of good friend everyone would yearn for. He'd never fail to be there for me. I was once outcasted by my own clique, and Darren was the one who spoke up for me. I appreciated it a lot Darren, thank you. There was once, I quarreled with my ex girlfriend and I was extremely upset. The first person who came into my mind was Darren. I called him, and without saying anything, he came and look for me to accompany me. Now, nobody would call me in the mornings, nobody would call me out at unearthly hours.

I don't know why such a tragedy should happen to a nice guy like Darren. Maybe, God did try to help him. He was strong enough to fight till the 3rd time, God thought that He gave Darren enough chances. I admire your strength brother. You have always been so strong. I miss you, I really do. You went away too quickly, the last sentence you said to me was "Call you tomorrow k, sleep early." And you went to your car and drove off. Where did your phone call go to? You promised me we would go overseas together soon, you promised me we would go to JB this saturday. You promised to teach me how to play the guitar, you promised we would get married on the same day and place. Someone told me that, when I got reunited with my friends a few months back, you told her that you were upset because you and me didn't hang out much anymore. I'm really sorry brother, I didn't realise that as I wasn't sensitive enough. Instead, I thought we were becoming closer and closer each day. You would always laugh at my actions, laughing at me for being gay and running like one. You would ask me not to be emo just because I'm quiet. You taught me what to do and what not to do in Life. I remembered all of that.

I remember we went to watch Twilight together, you were so bored you fell asleep and snored. I really enjoyed prawning with you. I thank you for the hospitality you and your family showed me whenever I appear at your house. Those days are now gone, nobody would call me out and have talks again. Those 8 digits with the contact name as Darren won't appear ever again. You were always there to protect me from any kinds of harm. You took care of me like your little brother, I swear I love you. You told me, you wanted to open franchise of coffeeshops. You wanted to form your own band and be the lead guitarist. You told me you wanted to own dogs of your own as pets in future. Where did all of that go? But don't worry brother, I would fulfil your dreams for you.

Looking at you lying motionless, however hard I tried to wake you up, you didn't. It was really heart wrenching to see you that way. But Darren, you looked as good as ever. Yes I'm saying that you're good-looking, heard that? You would always praise yourself that you're handsome last time and I would say you're thick skinned. But I didn't mean that.

Dear Darren, I really miss you, your family too. Justice is gonna be brought to you soon my dearest brother, wait and see. I really thank you for everything that you have done for me, be it the good times or bad times. I'm really sorry that I couldn't be there when you needed my help, I feel so useless..
Anyway Darren, I'll be waiting for you on Saturday night, because it'll be the 7th day you slept.

I miss you brother, I promise I'll visit you every 30th. Promise me you'll come into my dreams alright?

And to everyone:

The truth will be out soon I believe. Don't judge Darren if you don't know him, because he doesn't like it, neither do I, neither do his loved ones, neither do his friends.

God created the best friend for me, and took him away to help stop his pain so that he could be save with You.

10th August 1991 - 30th October 2010,
Sleep well my dearest brother..

Karma

If you don't want others to do shit to you, don't even do anything nasty towards other people and go around whining that you can't take it when others did something to you.